My lifelong stigma against feminists, and how I changed it.

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For over 30 years, I would have refused to call myself a feminist. I would go as far as to say that I thought people who boosted the “Feminist” title were annoying at best.

In this article I will share:

• What shaped my negative perception
• The transition to being a woman in tech
• How my current company helped shift my thinking
• What I’ve learned
• Whats Next

Shaping my perception

When I was very young, my parents divorced. I lived with my father, and that event influenced his (and my) mindset that many women set out to “ruin” good men. This made sense to me in 3rd grade. I saw my father making my dinner, and then looked over to an empty spot where our dining room table used to be. An item mother had taken with her during the divorce. I was resentful of her and thought the court had treated him unfairly.

It was the nineties. I was rocking out to Alanis Morissette’s “Jagged Little Pill” and Gwen Stefani had recently released “I’m just a girl.” I wanted to be like them. I sang the songs at the top of my lungs! However, I started to notice that when I listened to them out loud I’d hear comments describing the singer or song lyrics as “bitter” or “whiney”. I turned them off. I didn’t want to be those things.

Fast forward and college is over. I’m working in education. I never saw any issue with women being “unequal” to men, it was quite the reverse. Out of the entire elementary school there were only 2–3 male teachers, most often doubling as coaches. There was plenty of opportunity for women and I didn’t get the issue everybody was making such a fuss about.

A “Feminist” to me at that time was a bra burning woman OBVIOUSLY hated men and wanted them to all be put in their place, and they were going to protest about it until it happened. DUH.

Becoming a woman in Tech

I always knew I wanted technology to be a part of my career path. After receiving my first offer, I thought I was proving to myself that I had an equal opportunity to men my age. As my father had told me “I can do anything I put my mind to.” I was good at my job. I worked hard, got promoted and felt like I was being treated well.

I did a good bit of recruiting while in that role. We asked what salary people were looking for and made them a competitive offer. Sure, women normally asked for less. I didn’t see that as anything other than the woman’s fault for not asking for more. We probably would have paid it.

Sure, women normally asked for less. I didn’t see that as anything other than the woman’s fault for not asking for more. We probably would have paid it.

While I was still early into my tech career, I was molested by a senior male leader at a company. He was drunk and I was there late. He locked the office door. I left that night feeling lost. I should have known better than to be alone with him. How do I show up the next day and walk by his office?

I confided in a male co-worker who I knew would shoot me straight and keep his mouth closed. His response was, “how do I know you weren’t asking for it?” That same man, who I had been working with very closely for over a year now refused to be alone in a conference room with me from that point on due to fear of an accusation against him.

I had become a black sheep. I quit the job without talking to anybody else. I knew the company would be more impacted by the loss of a senior leader than me, a young recent grad. Still, I had seen similar stories about women who have abused men and didn’t equate any of it to empowering women or equality in the workplace (yet).

As my career in tech evolved, I saw the small number of women in leadership positions. This primed to believe that other women with a similar title as mine were competition for those few coveted spaces. I assumed the uneven number of women leaders in tech was simply because women chose to study computer science less often.

My shift to new thinking.

The day I took my current job at YML, I was informed that I would be reporting to a woman. I remember thinking “well f*ck.” I had been conditioned to see women in the workplace as people who would hold me back, that I was afraid this meant it would be twice as hard make any progress.

One week in I knew this was different. I was working with a female leader who wanted to know my goals. She wanted to push me forward to succeed. She wasn’t trying to compete with me or limit my exposure like many women I had worked with before. Once, another female coworker described her as not only somebody who “paves the way” for other women but then comes back to hold everybody’s hand and say “come along!”

My company does an incredible job of ensuring we work to improve our women in leadership. We always celebrate women’s day/month. There are t-shirts and stickers for women’s day distributed. Men and women both wear them. My CEO was wearing one this week. We have a Women’s Initiative. It is truly amazing.

I was changing my perspective, but deep down inside something still wasn’t quite right. I realized I was only wearing the shirt at my job. I put the stickers on my work laptop but wouldn’t put them on my other things. “Why the heck don’t I?” I asked myself.

I couldn’t figure out why I still was so afraid to show my support for women.

Recently one of my bridesmaids launched a feminist rooted podcast. I remember thinking to myself, “She is so brave.” I am always so inspired by how she fearlessly stands up for equal rights and doesn’t apologize. Then she invited me to be a guest on an episode, and my gut reaction was excitement followed by anxiety… “Wait, can I really do this? What will people think if I’m on something related to being a Feminist. Will men at work be less interested in working with me?”

What I learned

I had to get to the bottom of it. I started doing research about the stigma around feminists. Why didn’t I want to be one? I had learned so much, and I was such a HUGE supporter empowering women. So I got to reading, a lot of reading. I asked my girlfriends. Here is what I found out.

In one study, research showed 20–40% of respondents (depending on the country) identify with being feminists. However, almost 80% agree that “ men and women should be treated equally in every way.” Why were so many woman against the term feminist but not the idea of empowering, coaching, training and supporting equality for women?

I decided to go to my friends. I asked a simple question, “would say that you are a feminist? If no, why not?” Here’s what I heard:

• “For fear of being cancelled, I avoid all publicity facing opinions”
• “I don’t consider bitching and moaning about inequity to be making meaningful change for women- and a lot of things such as pay inequity happen because women don’t take on the assertive stance or approach that men do….Women need to be taught to stand up for themselves and be their own advocates and that being assertive is a great thing.”
• “We have to act on anything we want or don’t like instead of complaining. Go to bosses with suggestions of solutions and not just problems, etc.”

I had gotten to the root of the problem. The TERM feminist has become associated with women who like to b*tch and complain about not having equal rights without taking any action to work on being more assertive to get what they want. My friends, like myself, wanted to recognized as a woman who handles business as well as the next man, and felt the term was a detractor.

The stigma behind the term Feminist is the reason so many women empowerment movements still struggle to make progress.

What’s Next?

We must continue to take steps in the right direction.

Step 1: Educate yourself and spread the word about what Feminism is and is not. Heres a great TedX I love that gets to the point in 2 minutes.

Some things feminists are not:

• Anti-men
• People who want to wake up and burn their bras until somebody gives them a raise.

Some things feminists are:

• People who believe that all genders should have fair and equal treatment. Not that it should be handed to us, but if we work as hard as aman to get there, we should be treated as equals.
• Men. Men with with daughters, wives and mothers who want to see them have the same opportunities they do.

Step 2: Be a mentor and leader when and where you can. Teach younger women about how to be assertive and use their voice, how to get what they want, how not to be scared.

Step 3: Support Organizations & Companies Who Support Equality. I’ve intentionally not limited this to support those who support women, because feminists are looking for equality for all regardless of gender.

With that, I can confidently say I will do everything in my power to use the skills I’ve gained in my career to help educate and mentor others. I will work to continue to support the women’s initiative at my company where we share resources, tips and tools to help women grow.

I will be a feminist.